Friday, April 24, 2009
Being || a little pathetic
Feeling || frustrated
Fuck. How did I let this happen? In some ways I knew it was coming, but somehow things don't add up. Did it really mean nothing to him at all? Can a person really be that loose with physical contact, spend so much time with someone else, and get that close without having felt anything?
He gave me no reason to expect anything different. And everything that's happened this past week to fuck up my mental state is not entirely his fault. I mean there's nothing he could or should do differently. If anything, I'm only frustrated with myself for letting these things bother me. And for charging headlong into something I knew would only lead to disappointment and hurt, ignoring everything everyone said along the way.
So here I am in the middle of the night, hardly tired now that all the stressful things of the week are done with. I'm also trying to avoid sleeping because that reminds me of him. Trying to imagine a character (or two) in my place can only fool my mind for so long -- I want someone else there beside me, now that I've gotten a taste of what that's like.
Being me, I'll just wander off into this insomniac night, maybe doing some homework, more likely writing a short scene or working on a longer piece. While I wander away, I leave you with some lyrics.
I keep you in the creases
I hide you in the folds
Protect you from the sunlight
Shield you from the cold
Everybody said
They were glad to see you go
But no one ever has to--
No one ever has to know
The things that I refuse to see
And all the nights I still can't sleep
I curl between the sheets
Creases where you used to be
Sam | {} | filed under: musings relationships
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Listening || to my next door neighbor play the banjo
Writing || sonnets
Random || I listen to a lot of angry music.
A conversation:
Him: *scanning through radio stations with no luck* Fscking radio!
Me: *having watched the radio stations carefully* Do you ever listen to 104.9?
Him: No... *tuning to 104.9* What's on 104.9?
Me: Music you would listen to.
Him: *song comes on 104.9* SWEET.
I should really fix this site up a bit. Maybe later. Maybe when it's not the beginning of the quarter and I have an entire book to read and write a reflection on by Sunday. Or was it Monday? I should figure that out. Sooner rather than later.
Sam | {} | filed under: quotes
Monday, June 9, 2008
Being || hungry
Listening || Breathless - Shayne Ward
Lyric || You don't even know how very special you are, you leave me breathless. You're eveything good in my life...
On guilt - still feeling guilty. I should really go visit him and clear everything, just put everything out there. I didn't outright lie, but there was a lot I didn't say and in reality, that's basically the same as lying. It's been over three months - I really should have come clean, and that was a huge mistake on my part. Friends don't do that to each other. Maybe it's karma. Oh bullshit, I don't believe in karma. Or do I?
It's breathtaking to think of you
And to learn that sometimes the only way out is through
It's mindnumbing to think of yesterday,
I'd run to you now if I could but things have changed...
Joey | {} | filed under: musings relationships
Monday, May 12, 2008
Feeling || confused
Lyric || "Isabelle she treads so lightly floating in her gypsy dresses; even as her words cut deep, I can't deny the truth in them."
I keep telling myself that there's redemptive quality in everyone, and maybe some people see things that I don't. I don't know if I really think that's true or not. It's just to keep me from going insane.
I think I have this weird thing where I think I'm losing my friends, when I'm not at all. I just don't want them to disappear.
Sam | {} | filed under: musings relationships
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Being || frustrated
Why am I so fucking non-confrontational all the time?
Sam | {} | filed under: vent
Monday, April 14, 2008
Being || a little unnaturally cheerful
Drinking || life
Lyric || "This is the last time that I'm ever gonna come here tonight. This is the last time I will fall into a place that fails us all inside."
Reading || old notebooks
He's awfully sweet sometimes.
Like he said, is that such a bad thing?
Sam | {} | filed under: musings relationships
Thursday, April 10, 2008
supposed to be || working on chem OMGWTFBBQ i have so much work :[
currently || practicing for auditions
listening to || mr john legend
thinking about || my acapella future
so i've been swamped with rehearsals this week as my show draws closer. excessive rehearsals are never really fun, but i've come to realize that if this one guy in my current group gets into octet next year, i'm for sureee not doing octet, even if i get in. which kinda blows. but his attitude is terrible and we get in fights all teh time. fun eh.
besides that, school is, well, school. still the usual papers n midterms n blah blah blah. dragonboat is fun though, as is archery. i wanna keep doing dragonboat over next year, and i'm not sure about archery, but i think it'd be a fun thing to keep up if i end up not doing acapella next year.
who knows. anyways, back to work i go
Chen | {} | filed under: musings
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Being || incredibly awesome
Drinking || no.
Listening || Sleeping to Dream - Jason Mraz
Random || "but it's all cool because i have MUFFINS" (from an email to Kameko)
Reading || Friedrich Nietzsche, On the Genealogy of Morality
Hilarity ensues when people take Airborne for the first time. Mostly when they just pop it in their mouths. And start foaming. You've got to love effervescent tablets.
So apparently my new love interest has been dubbed very strange things that all have to do with farming. My sister's friend calls him the "Farm Hand of My Dreams" (which I corrected, since he's just a simple Farm Boy whose name isn't Westley, and doesn't say, "As you wish.") And dearest Anya has decided he's a victim of Thanksgiving. Or he fits in that old car commercial that has an Oregon-trail-esque couple riding along and the wife offers, "Jerky?" And the husband replies, "No, actually, it's a pretty smooth ride..."
Did that make sense? Probably not. But as of right now he doesn't have a name on Fallen Finch, so what can I do.
In other news, I'm heading over to Berkeley this weekend to watch the a capella show! Chloe was going to smuggle me in as a Cal student, but my Stanford pride interfered, and I paid a little more than I needed for the sake of avoiding ID crises.
Sam | {} | filed under: notes random relationships