Friday, April 24, 2009
Being || a little pathetic
Feeling || frustrated
Fuck. How did I let this happen? In some ways I knew it was coming, but somehow things don't add up. Did it really mean nothing to him at all? Can a person really be that loose with physical contact, spend so much time with someone else, and get that close without having felt anything?
He gave me no reason to expect anything different. And everything that's happened this past week to fuck up my mental state is not entirely his fault. I mean there's nothing he could or should do differently. If anything, I'm only frustrated with myself for letting these things bother me. And for charging headlong into something I knew would only lead to disappointment and hurt, ignoring everything everyone said along the way.
So here I am in the middle of the night, hardly tired now that all the stressful things of the week are done with. I'm also trying to avoid sleeping because that reminds me of him. Trying to imagine a character (or two) in my place can only fool my mind for so long -- I want someone else there beside me, now that I've gotten a taste of what that's like.
Being me, I'll just wander off into this insomniac night, maybe doing some homework, more likely writing a short scene or working on a longer piece. While I wander away, I leave you with some lyrics.
I keep you in the creases
I hide you in the folds
Protect you from the sunlight
Shield you from the cold
Everybody said
They were glad to see you go
But no one ever has to--
No one ever has to know
The things that I refuse to see
And all the nights I still can't sleep
I curl between the sheets
Creases where you used to be
Sam | {} | filed under: musings relationships
Monday, June 9, 2008
Being || hungry
Listening || Breathless - Shayne Ward
Lyric || You don't even know how very special you are, you leave me breathless. You're eveything good in my life...
On guilt - still feeling guilty. I should really go visit him and clear everything, just put everything out there. I didn't outright lie, but there was a lot I didn't say and in reality, that's basically the same as lying. It's been over three months - I really should have come clean, and that was a huge mistake on my part. Friends don't do that to each other. Maybe it's karma. Oh bullshit, I don't believe in karma. Or do I?
It's breathtaking to think of you
And to learn that sometimes the only way out is through
It's mindnumbing to think of yesterday,
I'd run to you now if I could but things have changed...
Joey | {} | filed under: musings relationships
Monday, May 12, 2008
Feeling || confused
Lyric || "Isabelle she treads so lightly floating in her gypsy dresses; even as her words cut deep, I can't deny the truth in them."
I keep telling myself that there's redemptive quality in everyone, and maybe some people see things that I don't. I don't know if I really think that's true or not. It's just to keep me from going insane.
I think I have this weird thing where I think I'm losing my friends, when I'm not at all. I just don't want them to disappear.
Sam | {} | filed under: musings relationships
Monday, April 14, 2008
Being || a little unnaturally cheerful
Drinking || life
Lyric || "This is the last time that I'm ever gonna come here tonight. This is the last time I will fall into a place that fails us all inside."
Reading || old notebooks
He's awfully sweet sometimes.
Like he said, is that such a bad thing?
Sam | {} | filed under: musings relationships
Thursday, April 10, 2008
supposed to be || working on chem OMGWTFBBQ i have so much work :[
currently || practicing for auditions
listening to || mr john legend
thinking about || my acapella future
so i've been swamped with rehearsals this week as my show draws closer. excessive rehearsals are never really fun, but i've come to realize that if this one guy in my current group gets into octet next year, i'm for sureee not doing octet, even if i get in. which kinda blows. but his attitude is terrible and we get in fights all teh time. fun eh.
besides that, school is, well, school. still the usual papers n midterms n blah blah blah. dragonboat is fun though, as is archery. i wanna keep doing dragonboat over next year, and i'm not sure about archery, but i think it'd be a fun thing to keep up if i end up not doing acapella next year.
who knows. anyways, back to work i go
Chen | {} | filed under: musings
Friday, June 22, 2007
Eating || chocolate truffles pilfered from my aunt's fridge
Listening || miscellaneous soundtrack music
Reading || Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (annual reread of the HP series, this time in preparation for Deathly Hallows)
Hey look what I found:
[---------begin snippet---------]
Sunday, May 28, 2007
Yay for the launch of Kethadros.net!
Okay, so it happened a while back and I'm behind on the times. Sue me. There's some interesting stuff up there, but seriously, the party's all here.
So today was not only an amazing day of no school, but also an amazing day for French project-ing! Our group met up at Wildwood Park to film our tragic love story. It stars Anya as "Sylvie," a beautiful young woman who visits the acorn farm of her aunt and falls in love with "Guillaume," a young man who works for the farm but cannot meet his acorn quota of 2400. Unfortunately, their love is foiled by Sylvie's engagement to "Etienne" (played by Chen, who, by the way, doesn't speak French XD), a snobby rich guy. But the "Prince de Review" and the "Barron de Kaplan" help out Sylvie and Guillaume, but what will happen if Etienne discovers the plot? Watch La Ferme des Glands du Chêne to find out. (We might put on subtitles and shove it on Youtube. Maybe.)
[---------end snippet---------]
Hahaha so apparently I started an entry before school ended but then that very French project came and kicked me in the butt and I never finished it. The movie is NOT on YouTube, mostly because I am too lazy to put in subtitles, and also because the project is so insanely massive that it floods all the space on my hard drive. And the whole thing slowed down my computer like no other.
Kethadros did indeed launch waaaayyy back on May 10th, 2007. Applause all around. It's been going on a pretty steady update schedule, considering how sporadic and hiatus-prone Smos is. Not that it's really a schedule by any means. It just never quite dies perse.
I'm currently in Canada on vacation. Anya's holding down the fort at home, watering the plants and taking in the trash bins. I think Henry might've asked her to break in to get his yearbook. Anya's working at some sort of programming job this summer, which is more than I can say for myself. I've been thinking of applying for a job at Gaia Online with Joey, but I don't know the site well enough to apply yet. I'm thinking I might just get a job at Border's or something. If I can, I want to try finding a small business or something and code their website for them. I guess I should learn Javascript and stuff. I can't really think of anywhere else that I'd be willing to work. Maybe I'm just too picky.
I really hope I can get my writing on track this summer. It would be really cool to get that writer's agent thing up and running. The problem is mostly finding a printer who would be willing to print unknown online writers. But it'd be SO MUCH FUN. Is that weird of me?
In case anyone was wondering, Chen is now in a relationship! Summer fling? Who knows. I guess he'll have to stop woman-eating for now then, eh? (I'm hoping to goad him into posting =p)
I'm about to go shopping *gasp* with my sister. I need to get some stuff before Hawaii, plus I owe Joey a postcard.
Sam | {} | filed under: musings recollections relationships
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Listening || elvis presley - hunk of burning love
Feeling || somewhat spaztic (note: Sam did not edit SPELLING on this entry)
Being || incredibly delirious
so it is the end of january. almost. in an hour or so, it will be february! ahh the month of valentine's day and romance and other mushy sentiments. how did february become the month of romance anyways? or is that something that chen just made up?
anyways, with the beginning of february comes the fact that spring formal will only be 1 MONTH AWAY which means you should be thinking about who you're gonna take/who you're gonna have take you. you know why? um chen isn't sure why, but something along the lines of...OMG CHEN IS TELLING ME TO DO IT! HIS WISH IS MY COMMAND! *kneels down in praise*
yeah like that.
wow i'm a spaz right now...what else is new?
at any rate, chen has decided that he has an insane life and must try to limit the amount of drama/emotional stress/girls in general lol that enter in a significant fashion. which might be kind of difficult. considering all the dances coming up.
meanwhile, chen is engaged in lip sync as well as debating whether or not he should try out for saratoga idol again this year.
and why does he speak in the third person? how strange.
au revoir.
Chen | {} | filed under: musings random relationships
Friday, December 22, 2006**
I just realized I've never heard my brother angry before. Strange how music is what's been keeping me going for the past few days. Right now it's a mix of Panic! At the Disco and Mae and who knows what else, just to try and drown out the sounds of argument filtering from the bathroom.
Maybe I should just put some pants on and take a walk.
What is the socially correct thing to do at this point?
Too bad Chen isn't picking up the phone...
Oh, and I really need to pee.
Sam | {} | filed under: musings
Thursday, December 21, 2006**
There's something vaguely satisfying about listening to the Forrest Gump Suite while staring out the window on a rainy day.
Kudos to Henry.
Sam | {} | filed under: musings
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Feeling || hungry
Listening || Catching My Breath - This Providence (again)
Writing || a short about being tired (writing this while writing my college essays)
Random || CONGRATS to Henry for honorable mention in CSPS!
There are days when I look at my desk and wonder what ever happened to that thing called "organization." I suppose that almost-weekly thing I do might be called "cleaning up" in some other language, but really I prefer to call it "rearranging piles of nonsense."
I suppose when the need is great enough, I can pull it all together. Like my college app binder. And the Gathering binder. Not that the Gathering requires great need. That organization spree surfaced out of boredom and frustration from lack of organization.
Speaking of the Gathering, I haven't written anything new for ages and ages. I think I've completely lost the groove. Shucks.
Nothing else new for now. I'm going to see Cloud Gate Dance Theater of Taiwan! Heh, last time I saw them, it was at their studio near Taipei. Sometimes I really wish I'd gone to a dance academy like that. Just hearing my teacher talk about Tai-chi every morning makes me regret not taking dance seriously earlier in my life. (By the way, my arches are fine again. Nothing a 3 hour dance rehearsal can't fix...)
I wish I had time to just sit down and write the Gathering without having anything else to do. Next summer maybe, if I'm not in France? On ne sait jamais...
Sam | {} | filed under: musings recollections
Friday, October 20, 2006
Writing || poem #1 & #3
Feeling || frustrated
Why the hell do I work so hard in Poetry, if things are only going to be messed up in the end anyway? It isn't even my fault this time, and I don't really blame Henry for missing the leadership meeting since he's just about as overloaded as I am. So what am I supposed to do? Who can I yell at?
Feels rather Grapes of Wrath-ish to be sitting here wondering who I can shoot to make things better. I wonder if the Joads ever contemplated suicide. Just a thought.
And no, I'm not thinking about physical suicide. More like academic suicide. Or just go on strike. That sounds pretty good. Too bad it's still first semester and we haven't even reached the 12 week grading period. Friggin--
It just seems so incredibly unfair that even though it wasn't my fault that Henry missed leadership, I get docked a bajillion points, plus Henry's probably beating himself over the head with a mass of 9.3 kg times the acceleration due to gravity (g = 9.80 meters per second per second) and will most likely lose all those excellent brain cells. Why is it that the mistake of one person gets translated to the idiocy of our entire class, and therefore every last one of us gets blamed and punished for it?
I'm tired and I really just don't want to have to deal with this right now. Looks like I'll either skip the rally or take up semi-permanent residence in the poetry room and library.
Damnit. You have to give me credit for having a much calmer rant than I intended. I rather skillfully crafted out the swearing.
Sam | {} | filed under: musings vent
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Listening || Undeveloped Story - Anberlin
Feeling || overwhelmed
Random || I'm someone's poetry band-aid.
I'm seriously aching in places. I need to read some Plato now, but my GOSH my joints feel like creaking hinges on an old lady's door. My mouth is thick with the remnants of a cookie, and apple-juice-y water isn't about to help.
I realized I'm lacking in a romantic interest at this point. No one is particularly prominent, and my life seems to be on overdrive right now. Is a love interest the last thing I need or would it be a welcome relief?
"Comment draguez-vous?" Most ridiculous french discussion question EVER asked.
I really have no idea why I'm writing tonight. This morning. Whatever. Damnit I ache.
Sam | {} | filed under: musings random recollections relationships quotes
Thursday, September 7, 2006 (early morning)
Listening || Mae - Summertime
Feeling || pensive
Random || "I want to be the pepper in your salad."
Today has been one of those days that for some inexplicable reason, I'm unhappy. The day itself was all right; classes were fine; people were fine. Yet somehow I'm capable of being up at 1:29 AM writing in a blog that contains 2 half-written entries.
I guess part of it was talking to Chen for the first time in a while. Despite ASB and class meetings and everything, I feel like I'm drifting from him. It's surprising how much I mind that I don't get to see him for at least 4 hours a week (as in choir last year). I feel like I've dropped out of his life, though he hasn't quite dropped out of mine. But that's not what I meant to write this entry about anyway.
Somehow the drama of the rest of the world belittles all the things I worry about and think about. I think I have three levels of thinking. First is the surface, day-to-day, casual thinking. Second is the deeper, philosophical thinking I do in AP Lang. Third is the "Big Picture" thinking I do every once in a while that suddenly makes everything else seem petty.
Death is one of the things that belittles everything. My mind was slightly more rational when I wrote it, but I vaguely remember writing a passage about how a single death -- screw that I'm looking it up; I don't care how late it is.
Hmm... It's a little different than how I remember it, but at the same time it still works. I don't quite understand how a life can be so important yet so trivial at the same time.
"Everything felt a little more mundane as he gazed up at the sky; it made one person's death seem trivial in something as vast as the night."
I don't really know what I'm saying anymore. I guess I'm just feeling helpless. Nothing I do seems to matter, and I can't quite muster up enough compassion to make myself fix it. I feel trivial. I can't think of any other sentence that describes what I'm feeling inside right now. I feel a great deal of confusion and turmoil and chaos, yet at the same time I'm calm. I'm at peace. It doesn't worry me that I can gather the excitement for a descriptive essay due in a week, while there's an unjustified war and wasteful loss of death raging beyond my front door.
Why am I so calm about this? I feel like I should be roused with anger and indignation, but half my brain is also thinking, "Focus on what you already have to do." Then another part of my brain is thinking, "What difference would you make anyway?" while whatever's left is thinking, "It's not worth it."
To boost my spirits back up:
Life wouldn't be so precious if there was no death.
Sam | {} | filed under: musings