Friday, April 24, 2009
Being || a little pathetic
Feeling || frustrated
Fuck. How did I let this happen? In some ways I knew it was coming, but somehow things don't add up. Did it really mean nothing to him at all? Can a person really be that loose with physical contact, spend so much time with someone else, and get that close without having felt anything?
He gave me no reason to expect anything different. And everything that's happened this past week to fuck up my mental state is not entirely his fault. I mean there's nothing he could or should do differently. If anything, I'm only frustrated with myself for letting these things bother me. And for charging headlong into something I knew would only lead to disappointment and hurt, ignoring everything everyone said along the way.
So here I am in the middle of the night, hardly tired now that all the stressful things of the week are done with. I'm also trying to avoid sleeping because that reminds me of him. Trying to imagine a character (or two) in my place can only fool my mind for so long -- I want someone else there beside me, now that I've gotten a taste of what that's like.
Being me, I'll just wander off into this insomniac night, maybe doing some homework, more likely writing a short scene or working on a longer piece. While I wander away, I leave you with some lyrics.
I keep you in the creases
I hide you in the folds
Protect you from the sunlight
Shield you from the cold
Everybody said
They were glad to see you go
But no one ever has to--
No one ever has to know
The things that I refuse to see
And all the nights I still can't sleep
I curl between the sheets
Creases where you used to be
Sam | {} | filed under: musings relationships
Monday, June 9, 2008
Being || hungry
Listening || Breathless - Shayne Ward
Lyric || You don't even know how very special you are, you leave me breathless. You're eveything good in my life...
On guilt - still feeling guilty. I should really go visit him and clear everything, just put everything out there. I didn't outright lie, but there was a lot I didn't say and in reality, that's basically the same as lying. It's been over three months - I really should have come clean, and that was a huge mistake on my part. Friends don't do that to each other. Maybe it's karma. Oh bullshit, I don't believe in karma. Or do I?
It's breathtaking to think of you
And to learn that sometimes the only way out is through
It's mindnumbing to think of yesterday,
I'd run to you now if I could but things have changed...
Joey | {} | filed under: musings relationships
Monday, May 12, 2008
Feeling || confused
Lyric || "Isabelle she treads so lightly floating in her gypsy dresses; even as her words cut deep, I can't deny the truth in them."
I keep telling myself that there's redemptive quality in everyone, and maybe some people see things that I don't. I don't know if I really think that's true or not. It's just to keep me from going insane.
I think I have this weird thing where I think I'm losing my friends, when I'm not at all. I just don't want them to disappear.
Sam | {} | filed under: musings relationships
Monday, April 14, 2008
Being || a little unnaturally cheerful
Drinking || life
Lyric || "This is the last time that I'm ever gonna come here tonight. This is the last time I will fall into a place that fails us all inside."
Reading || old notebooks
He's awfully sweet sometimes.
Like he said, is that such a bad thing?
Sam | {} | filed under: musings relationships
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Being || incredibly awesome
Drinking || no.
Listening || Sleeping to Dream - Jason Mraz
Random || "but it's all cool because i have MUFFINS" (from an email to Kameko)
Reading || Friedrich Nietzsche, On the Genealogy of Morality
Hilarity ensues when people take Airborne for the first time. Mostly when they just pop it in their mouths. And start foaming. You've got to love effervescent tablets.
So apparently my new love interest has been dubbed very strange things that all have to do with farming. My sister's friend calls him the "Farm Hand of My Dreams" (which I corrected, since he's just a simple Farm Boy whose name isn't Westley, and doesn't say, "As you wish.") And dearest Anya has decided he's a victim of Thanksgiving. Or he fits in that old car commercial that has an Oregon-trail-esque couple riding along and the wife offers, "Jerky?" And the husband replies, "No, actually, it's a pretty smooth ride..."
Did that make sense? Probably not. But as of right now he doesn't have a name on Fallen Finch, so what can I do.
In other news, I'm heading over to Berkeley this weekend to watch the a capella show! Chloe was going to smuggle me in as a Cal student, but my Stanford pride interfered, and I paid a little more than I needed for the sake of avoiding ID crises.
Sam | {} | filed under: notes random relationships
Friday, June 22, 2007
Eating || chocolate truffles pilfered from my aunt's fridge
Listening || miscellaneous soundtrack music
Reading || Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (annual reread of the HP series, this time in preparation for Deathly Hallows)
Hey look what I found:
[---------begin snippet---------]
Sunday, May 28, 2007
Yay for the launch of Kethadros.net!
Okay, so it happened a while back and I'm behind on the times. Sue me. There's some interesting stuff up there, but seriously, the party's all here.
So today was not only an amazing day of no school, but also an amazing day for French project-ing! Our group met up at Wildwood Park to film our tragic love story. It stars Anya as "Sylvie," a beautiful young woman who visits the acorn farm of her aunt and falls in love with "Guillaume," a young man who works for the farm but cannot meet his acorn quota of 2400. Unfortunately, their love is foiled by Sylvie's engagement to "Etienne" (played by Chen, who, by the way, doesn't speak French XD), a snobby rich guy. But the "Prince de Review" and the "Barron de Kaplan" help out Sylvie and Guillaume, but what will happen if Etienne discovers the plot? Watch La Ferme des Glands du Chêne to find out. (We might put on subtitles and shove it on Youtube. Maybe.)
[---------end snippet---------]
Hahaha so apparently I started an entry before school ended but then that very French project came and kicked me in the butt and I never finished it. The movie is NOT on YouTube, mostly because I am too lazy to put in subtitles, and also because the project is so insanely massive that it floods all the space on my hard drive. And the whole thing slowed down my computer like no other.
Kethadros did indeed launch waaaayyy back on May 10th, 2007. Applause all around. It's been going on a pretty steady update schedule, considering how sporadic and hiatus-prone Smos is. Not that it's really a schedule by any means. It just never quite dies perse.
I'm currently in Canada on vacation. Anya's holding down the fort at home, watering the plants and taking in the trash bins. I think Henry might've asked her to break in to get his yearbook. Anya's working at some sort of programming job this summer, which is more than I can say for myself. I've been thinking of applying for a job at Gaia Online with Joey, but I don't know the site well enough to apply yet. I'm thinking I might just get a job at Border's or something. If I can, I want to try finding a small business or something and code their website for them. I guess I should learn Javascript and stuff. I can't really think of anywhere else that I'd be willing to work. Maybe I'm just too picky.
I really hope I can get my writing on track this summer. It would be really cool to get that writer's agent thing up and running. The problem is mostly finding a printer who would be willing to print unknown online writers. But it'd be SO MUCH FUN. Is that weird of me?
In case anyone was wondering, Chen is now in a relationship! Summer fling? Who knows. I guess he'll have to stop woman-eating for now then, eh? (I'm hoping to goad him into posting =p)
I'm about to go shopping *gasp* with my sister. I need to get some stuff before Hawaii, plus I owe Joey a postcard.
Sam | {} | filed under: musings recollections relationships
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Listening || elvis presley - hunk of burning love
Feeling || somewhat spaztic (note: Sam did not edit SPELLING on this entry)
Being || incredibly delirious
so it is the end of january. almost. in an hour or so, it will be february! ahh the month of valentine's day and romance and other mushy sentiments. how did february become the month of romance anyways? or is that something that chen just made up?
anyways, with the beginning of february comes the fact that spring formal will only be 1 MONTH AWAY which means you should be thinking about who you're gonna take/who you're gonna have take you. you know why? um chen isn't sure why, but something along the lines of...OMG CHEN IS TELLING ME TO DO IT! HIS WISH IS MY COMMAND! *kneels down in praise*
yeah like that.
wow i'm a spaz right now...what else is new?
at any rate, chen has decided that he has an insane life and must try to limit the amount of drama/emotional stress/girls in general lol that enter in a significant fashion. which might be kind of difficult. considering all the dances coming up.
meanwhile, chen is engaged in lip sync as well as debating whether or not he should try out for saratoga idol again this year.
and why does he speak in the third person? how strange.
au revoir.
Chen | {} | filed under: musings random relationships
Sunday, January 7, 2007
Drinking || much honey + hot water
Being || slackertype
Lyrics || "Times are strange. We got a free upgrade for, SNAKES ON A PLANE"
Much love towards Sam for finally bringing her subdomain back up to speed!! I love her face to death. Except apparantly she is now a beast intern, so I might have to break up with her. I just can't accept her for who she is anymore. It's tough, yes, but... *sniffle* I'll get through these coming dark and depressing days. When I found out, it was as if LIGHTNING had struck down from the heavens! O! An arrow through my still-beating heart! *pain* When she told me, my thoughts of love toward Sam shattered into a hundred-million-bajillion-trillion-ten pieces and the rain pattered on my leaking roof. WHY OH WHY IS IT NEVER MY DAY?!? WHEN WILL I FIND THE ONE FOR MEEEEE?! I refuse to marry a beast. Each day of pure pwnage our children and our grandchildren would suffer is a cause for pain. *Slits wrists with conveniently-placed razor blade*
*cough* *choke* *HACKKKKK* - *dies* *floats off to the pearly gates of heaven*
ACCESS DENIED. *flushed down a toilet to hell* *oh hello Sam, what are you doing here?*
Now there shall be less pwnage in the world.
This will most definately be the post with the least amount of large, profound-sounding words because Sam, Anya, and Chen = SMART BEYOND COMPREHENSION whereas me = 1337 BEYOND COMPREHENSION. Booyah.
This is the part where I attempt some high-level mathematical geometric proofs.
2+2 = FISH!!! (given)
...
Nevermind I give up.
I ate some parmesan goldfish today. I can't spell that and I had to go to the kitchen to get the bag to look up the proper spelling of "par-me-san" so now I am staring at a half-empty bag of goldfish crackers and mmmmm now I'm eating them. *munch*
CONVERSATION WITH A BEAST!!!!!
Beast: plz dont let dota ruin your life
Me: too late *ruined*
DotA = Defense of the Ancients, a Warcraft III: The Frozen Throne mod. It's like when you get a hero (beastly person) and you run around pwning other people and destroying bases. It's ridiculously addictive, and I've only been playing against the computer so I can figure out the heroes. Oh and apps due next Monday, and finals next week. I should study. /cry
I am also sad because I want to go on a after-finals ski/snowboard trip but it doesn't look like it's going to happen because nobody is willing to commit. SIGHHHHH
*ACHOOOOOOO* Sorry about that. I'm allergic to n00bs.
I massacred the fingers off my gloves and tried to sew some pimp skulls onto them today. They look funny and the cloth unraveled so now I am left with deformed skulls that eat through the thread that keeps them to the gloves.
I want to go shopping at Union Square after finals. With Anya and James-sama fo sho. At H&M because that store is for hip, young people who wear the coolest clothes ever - like us. HEH HEH HEHHHHHHHHHH
Can we please GAME IT UP?! *pokes coords Sam and Chen*
Joey | {} | filed under: random relationships
Wednesday, November 15, 2006**
Apparently Chen's life is exploding.
Sam | {} | filed under: relationships
Friday, October 6, 2006
Reading || sample college application essays
Writing || A Guide to Personalities for the Science Lab-Oriented
Random || "Type 6: Temperamental Bunsen Burners"
Only a friend like Anya would understand what I meant when my status message was "Da di di do..." and only she would change it to "Camus." Man, how'd I get so lucky? Our friendship is so complicated, so convoluted that sometimes I wonder how I remember every little detail of our many-faceted relationship. Is it normal to have a friend with whom you're in so deep that no one else can quite match that level of understanding? Is it a bad thing that most people don't understand us? And why can't I have more friends like that? Do I consider myself too busy to cultivate relationships?
On another note, I started writing a short essay-ish kind of thing. Hopefully it'll be good enough to submit to Soundings. So far it makes me hilariously amused, with not a lot of reason. It's a fun exercise in metaphors though. If only I could use it for a college application essay. According to AP Lang, it would be a risky but potentially high payoff essay. The interesting thing about it is that it shows my nerdy/scientific side, while also reflecting my creative/writer side. Oh well. It'd be too long anyway.
I'm becoming really paranoid about all these "to be" verbs in my writing. Thank goodness narratives don't need them as much.
Sam | {} | filed under: musings relationships quotes
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Listening || Undeveloped Story - Anberlin
Feeling || overwhelmed
Random || I'm someone's poetry band-aid.
I'm seriously aching in places. I need to read some Plato now, but my GOSH my joints feel like creaking hinges on an old lady's door. My mouth is thick with the remnants of a cookie, and apple-juice-y water isn't about to help.
I realized I'm lacking in a romantic interest at this point. No one is particularly prominent, and my life seems to be on overdrive right now. Is a love interest the last thing I need or would it be a welcome relief?
"Comment draguez-vous?" Most ridiculous french discussion question EVER asked.
I really have no idea why I'm writing tonight. This morning. Whatever. Damnit I ache.
Sam | {} | filed under: musings random recollections relationships quotes
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Feeling || overloaded
Drinking || moonlight
Lyric || "Like you in the rain as you're twisting your hair 'round your finger..." (Teddy Geiger - For You I Will)
I was in a surprisingly good mood yesterday, considering the levels of insanity rampant through my inner vicinities. I did get the blasted braces off at last and got a goody bag with all that stuff I wasn't supposed to eat (but ate anyway -- who knew I wasn't supposed to eat tootsie rolls?) and probably won't eat. (Note to self: write about eating habits later.) My teeth have felt all slimy and I have plaster on my favorite sweatshirt.
Spent the whole weekend under the weather and under the poetry. I had a meningitis vaccination on Friday, which gave me a fever on Saturday morning (during dance class... great timing). I slept through most of the day, then exploded all over my homework (figuratively). Poetry hit on Sunday, so I pretty much didn't get anything done all weekend. Woke up early on Monday morning and succesfully bombed the day (primarily the french video quiz).
Stopping by the play rehearsal made me realize I haven't been around a group with really nasty dynamics in a while. There hasn't really been drama in my life for ages. I suppose that's a good thing, since last year polo season just pissed me off most of the time. I think I've finally reached the point where I cultivate the relationships that don't generate insane amounts of drama. (Noteworthy: I disproved another one of Ethan's clever quotes. Anberlin all the way.)
ASB group dynamics are the best. Our trademark caucasian kid has become the favorite of the group while I sit around making tape cubes. I'm getting sadly good at it. Anyway, Micah is strangely smile inspiring, even when I'm having the worst of days. Everything sucks and I just think of Micah eating everything at the ASB meeting.
Well enough about yesterday. Yesterday was strangely good. Today was pretty much as bad as promised from the moment I woke up at 6 AM and accidentally hit the off button instead of snooze. Insanely exhausted and mad at myself, I stormed out of the house without eating breakfast and ended up leaving my lunch on the counter. No big deal, I just self-proclaimed today as "let's not eat" day. Almost worked but Anya shoved some Pop-Tart down my throat. She also advocated eating (HYPOCRITE!) during lunch so I ended up spending the last $3 in my wallet (how did that happen?!) on overpiced pizza. Also forgot to print my lang essay. The lang essay that I'm so proud of that I refuse to butcher it until it is no longer a narrative. I swear it's supposed to be a character description. Also managed to finish my french homework during lunch today, during which I accidentally volunteered myself to be a homecoming subtheme/channel head. Miiight have to tell the class officers I can't...
Nearly dropped dead today before poetry, but I pulled it together quite magnificently, if I do say so myself. I've just had the realization that I have two major tests tomorrow, so maybe I should go study. The parentals are beginning to think I've overcommitted myself, and I'm thinking they might be right, since I'm getting really bored with tutoring. Though I do like being paid. Shucks. Everything comes at a price, I suppose.
I'm thinking at this point, it would be a good idea to either sleep and hope for the best on both tests, or actually make an effort to study and do Poem #2 commentaries.
Maybe I shouldn't fail Gov. Uhhhh I'll go study now, then...
Sam | {} | filed under: notes random recollections relationships